So, to make a long story short, I am now looking at the Craigslist Men Seeking Men section. And much to my dismay I am not what one would call in the words of Stan Smith, a "power top". One ad was hella bitchy too, but the guy had every right to be he was cute and hung.

He wrote the following, "Hey 20 straight CLEAN AND HIV - (YOU SHOULD BE TOO) 9 cut inches to jack off with looking for another Straight,bi,married guy, NO FEM GUYS AND YOU MUST BE HUNG AND CLEAN! SEND PICS and stats and i'll get back to you. want to do something soon with someone that is huge hung."

Which brings me to the subject of this post... the genetic crap shoot.

I would like to make two statements:

1. Large/Huge/Grotesquely Enormous penises are awesome like times a billion kajillion shoobididoo...

2. Guys that get them are lucky, and unfortunately I don't do well at craps.

God damn it I want a nine inch penis that's like winning the genetic lottery! >.

Current Mood: depressed

Anyway today is father's day, sadly I do not have pops no more to celebrate the day with. I am in a bitter angry mood this last week. Probably has something to do with my life being stagnent and me not doing anything about it. Bitch bitch bitch. This is really just a formality. Well I can only blame myself, although I'm kinda getting annoyed with that... I am lazy, but I hate saying that.

Maybe I should stop smoking pot afterall.

I'm tired of people drama and I miss boys. I need to be more Suze Orman-like, but with a combination of Glenn Gould, Emil Gilels, and Arthur Rubinstein. And I say that not to be pretentious, those are like my idols.. that and Martha Argerich and Mitsuko Uchida... but people get all pissy about Martha. And you know what? I like Martha! Damn YouTube comments... I think that is where many of my own insecurities come from... everyone's a critic... including the critics of the critics. But I suppose without criticism we have nothing to gain...so therefore I'm being a critic of the critics? Or do we have something to gain without criticism and I'm making obscure nonsensible postulates.

Is this even making sense? I'm kinda just typing. I frequently talk in first person... English needs more of a Dative Case.

Hmm. I think I should list my goals in order of importance, so I can put them on the record and get started.

Get my paperwork finished so I can start working again
Get back in school
Get laid

Current Mood: high

So I still don't have the patience or the time to write anything, however it is important to me that I mention James Franco is ridiculously sexy. I was unsuccessful finding James Franco porn, which makes me sad, because I am curious what his penis looks like. xD

*Insert self loathing statement here so that my 'smittenness' looks more acceptable to the eyes of the public under my delusional psyche that the world gives a flying fuck*

I am so procrastinating the gym right now. I'm still comatose from Olive Garden.

I want sex.

Current Location: Cabana Chat

Goodmorning starshine, the Earth says, "hello!"

To be honest I thought I was going to have to start a new account because I assumed this thing was deleted. Little did I know...

Umm, I'm actually waiting on a treadmill at the gym that opened up like... now.

So that's all for now. I feel like my head is going to implode lately so I might actually start writing in this thing for once.

Until next time.

As I sit here baked, realized I have been baked for the past 48 hours, that I have no job, and belong to a garage band, and am in the process of being... lame.

I'm not going to make a statement like I'm never going to ever smoke pot again, no, but this has to fucking end. It is time to grow up, get a job, get and education. I have a vast world of possibilities in front of me, which will all be fruitless unless I can do everything I can to preserve myself through the betterment, and empowerment of myself.

So I say this is lame, this is fucking ridiculous. I proclaim that I will not fall into this trap of stupidity. That I will practice the art, and work at my craft. It is not pot that makes me creative and original, it is me who is creative and original. I should never have to depend on a substance for the basis of intelligent thought. Especially if I was much more coherent sober, instead of blabbering word jumbles to appear like grand metaphors really meaning absolutely nothing.

It is with shame I have at my behavior, and abuse of this plant. It is only with great shame that I type this. I have a future ahead of me, I need to stop fucking up in the middle of the road.

Thank you...
Rant ended...

Current Mood: High

I was going to write something, but I changed my mind. Hah. Sorry! <7

Current Mood: high

Мои люди!

So I hear that LiveJournal was bought out by a Russian company! Товарищи!

Anyway, I'm filled with that young angstiness again. This is bullshit... fuck that, they don't understand... blah blah blah

I want to slap myself, I was bitching earlier about my family getting on my case, because they think I don't do much.

There are 2 sides to every story.

And I agree with them. But hearing, pisses me off. And makes me return to that teenage angst... "I don't pay rent, I don't pay utilities, I don't pay for the net..." And listening to those things I listed, I was like, "damn. I am wrong!"

Lets analyze this... no rent + no utilities + no internet to pay for = $$$ for frivolous crap. My grandparental units are right! Shit nigga, I can save, save, save, and get the fuck out of this town, get a start, get a job, and bada bing... go back to school! (Y'all thought I was going to live happily ever after... shame shame... not saying I won't, but I'm not done after I get out of this shit nest)

So.

#1. I need to find a more sane job that gives me time to study.
#2. I need to get laid off, or quit my current job.
#3. I need to kick ass at my new job, get promoted fast, and start saving.
#4. I need to open up a high interest savings account with the credit union I already have an account with.
#5. I need to pay off old debts early by making double payments on time, and doing more around the house to grease the palms of my adversaries.
#6. I also need to make sure I have buffer money, by avoid spending money on things I don't need (ie fast food, restaurants I can't afford, driving a lot, cut back and/or quit smoking) This could cause a delay in saving, but it will keep me from being paycheck to paycheck should anything come up because that is a shitty position to be in.
#7. Use the extra time to practice & study.
#8. Hello cash, car's payed off, insurance payed up for the time being, medical expenses payed, and peace niggas... outtie 5000.

That's ma plan and I'm stickin' to it.

<7

In the words of Peter Griffin, "holy crap"...

...I haven't written in my Live Journal(R) for some time.

Well, rather than bringing my 'non-readers' up to speed on what's been going on in my life, I thought I'd take the time instead to reflect on my new pianoness. I have a new piano teacher, scratch that... I have two piano teachers now. One is a graduate from the Rimsky-Korsakov school of music in Sank Peterburg. (Yes, I did transliterate that correctly. Спасибо.) She is definitely from the Russian school of piano playing, and quite amazing, yet is going to be my biggest challenge yet.

In more recent history the Russians have been the worlds greatest pianists. No, I'm not trying to be an asshole or racist, but am merely stating a fact. Russia cranks out some of the world's greatest musicians. And because I'm being taught by one, it seems as though I'm not going to have any free time. Which honestly, is fine with me. My love of the piano has been rekindled by the likes of so many I've heard recently, especially Ms. Uehara. Listening to Bill Evans speak from his soul, or tender moments of Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto No. 2 can make the little hairs on my arms stand straight up and get goosebumps.

Sigh. I want to be an amazing musician, not famous, not even locally famous... I just want to play for myself, enjoy my music... Ok ok... I'll admit it. I would love to perform for other people, but I'm much too hard on myself for that. I think sometimes I'm so hard on myself to the point of where I stop myself from growing as a musician. I look for the quick fix method as oppose to realizing that even the greats put in hours upon hours of practice time.

It's a funny thing, I always think of the musician archetype as a genius (then again, what most people consider "musicians", I don't...) with what appear to be godlike powers, and an ability to feel something no normal person can feel. In many ways this is true, but in many ways it is a craft that is mastered, like whittling. Yes, in one sentence I was so bold to as compared music to whittling. Yes, it is much more complicated than that, I realize that. Which is why people should not take too much of what I say at face value...

Music is a strange enigma still, a strange mysterious, but beautiful enigma. An enigma wrapped in a pretty bow, but there's more than meets the ear with music. The theory behind music is long and complex to the point where one would wonder how music gets written in the first place. Another side of music is the heart, which by far is the most important part. People often times forget that good music tells a feeling or an emotion, often times that can't quite be put into words. Which is not to confuse the genre of 'emo' with being music.

Oy vey, I have to go to bed. I have work tomorrow, and I have to practice after that.

Amazing. I'm in love with this chick!

Current Music: Hiromi Uehara

I think I've been going through one of my transitional phases again, I have just simply started letting go of so many things that I used to hide behind. One of those things would be my past.

For some reason I'm not sure if I'm either going to die tragically at a young age, or if I'm going to live until my 80s, having achieved much.

I watched a YouTube video on Glenn Gould's visit to Russia, and was in awe and a little saddened. I have potential unknown musically, yet I still feel that I will never be the musician I want. Watching him play, realizing that kind of psychotic genius is something unachievable. That kind of musicianship truly, in my humble opinion, is the voice of god. A kind of passion your average person cannot even feel. A kind of mental torture that one would normally find unbearable.

Lets face it, I am no genius, as much as I want to be... I am me. But for some reason I can feel this soul beating inside me that does have that stroke of genius. When I put my hands to the keys before even pressing a note, I know exactly how something ought to sound. I went through a long phase of composing in my head when I was young. I had enormous potential, I am saddened that I didn't decided to pursue music on my own until I reached an age that was far too old to pursue a career in music. Music is either something you start young, or don't start at all... with a few exceptions.

I'm just hoping, praying that I will be one of those exceptions. I don't care if I make a career in music, I just want that virtuoso strength to play for myself underneath the stars...

It is one thing to hear music, but it is entirely another thing to actually make music. To press the keys, to enjoy the sound coming out, only to realize that, that is your sound. That sound that speaks directly from your heart and touches the heart of those who listen.

Hmm, I've been listening to Bach and Billie Holiday.

I loves me music!