brilliantchild

The Genetic Crap Shoot

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 05:41:07 GMT

So, to make a long story short, I am now looking at the Craigslist Men Seeking Men section. And much to my dismay I am not what one would call in the words of Stan Smith, a "power top". One ad was hella bitchy too, but the guy had every right to be he was cute and hung.

He wrote the following, "Hey 20 straight CLEAN AND HIV - (YOU SHOULD BE TOO) 9 cut inches to jack off with looking for another Straight,bi,married guy, NO FEM GUYS AND YOU MUST BE HUNG AND CLEAN! SEND PICS and stats and i'll get back to you. want to do something soon with someone that is huge hung."

Which brings me to the subject of this post... the genetic crap shoot.

I would like to make two statements:

1. Large/Huge/Grotesquely Enormous penises are awesome like times a billion kajillion shoobididoo...

2. Guys that get them are lucky, and unfortunately I don't do well at craps.

God damn it I want a nine inch penis that's like winning the genetic lottery! >.

Sigh.

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 21:09:23 GMT

Anyway today is father's day, sadly I do not have pops no more to celebrate the day with. I am in a bitter angry mood this last week. Probably has something to do with my life being stagnent and me not doing anything about it. Bitch bitch bitch. This is really just a formality. Well I can only blame myself, although I'm kinda getting annoyed with that... I am lazy, but I hate saying that.

Maybe I should stop smoking pot afterall.

I'm tired of people drama and I miss boys. I need to be more Suze Orman-like, but with a combination of Glenn Gould, Emil Gilels, and Arthur Rubinstein. And I say that not to be pretentious, those are like my idols.. that and Martha Argerich and Mitsuko Uchida... but people get all pissy about Martha. And you know what? I like Martha! Damn YouTube comments... I think that is where many of my own insecurities come from... everyone's a critic... including the critics of the critics. But I suppose without criticism we have nothing to gain...so therefore I'm being a critic of the critics? Or do we have something to gain without criticism and I'm making obscure nonsensible postulates.

Is this even making sense? I'm kinda just typing. I frequently talk in first person... English needs more of a Dative Case.

Hmm. I think I should list my goals in order of importance, so I can put them on the record and get started.

Get my paperwork finished so I can start working again
Get back in school
Get laid

Mental masturbation.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 22:07:05 GMT

So I still don't have the patience or the time to write anything, however it is important to me that I mention James Franco is ridiculously sexy. I was unsuccessful finding James Franco porn, which makes me sad, because I am curious what his penis looks like. xD

*Insert self loathing statement here so that my 'smittenness' looks more acceptable to the eyes of the public under my delusional psyche that the world gives a flying fuck*

I am so procrastinating the gym right now. I'm still comatose from Olive Garden.

I want sex.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 23:41:49 GMT

Goodmorning starshine, the Earth says, "hello!"

To be honest I thought I was going to have to start a new account because I assumed this thing was deleted. Little did I know...

Umm, I'm actually waiting on a treadmill at the gym that opened up like... now.

So that's all for now. I feel like my head is going to implode lately so I might actually start writing in this thing for once.

Until next time.

Highly ridiculous!

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 07:32:03 GMT

As I sit here baked, realized I have been baked for the past 48 hours, that I have no job, and belong to a garage band, and am in the process of being... lame.

I'm not going to make a statement like I'm never going to ever smoke pot again, no, but this has to fucking end. It is time to grow up, get a job, get and education. I have a vast world of possibilities in front of me, which will all be fruitless unless I can do everything I can to preserve myself through the betterment, and empowerment of myself.

So I say this is lame, this is fucking ridiculous. I proclaim that I will not fall into this trap of stupidity. That I will practice the art, and work at my craft. It is not pot that makes me creative and original, it is me who is creative and original. I should never have to depend on a substance for the basis of intelligent thought. Especially if I was much more coherent sober, instead of blabbering word jumbles to appear like grand metaphors really meaning absolutely nothing.

It is with shame I have at my behavior, and abuse of this plant. It is only with great shame that I type this. I have a future ahead of me, I need to stop fucking up in the middle of the road.

Thank you...
Rant ended...

This world of ours.

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 04:24:24 GMT

I was going to write something, but I changed my mind. Hah. Sorry! <7

За дружбу...

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 05:55:35 GMT

Мои люди!

So I hear that LiveJournal was bought out by a Russian company! Товарищи!

Anyway, I'm filled with that young angstiness again. This is bullshit... fuck that, they don't understand... blah blah blah

I want to slap myself, I was bitching earlier about my family getting on my case, because they think I don't do much.

There are 2 sides to every story.

And I agree with them. But hearing, pisses me off. And makes me return to that teenage angst... "I don't pay rent, I don't pay utilities, I don't pay for the net..." And listening to those things I listed, I was like, "damn. I am wrong!"

Lets analyze this... no rent + no utilities + no internet to pay for = $$$ for frivolous crap. My grandparental units are right! Shit nigga, I can save, save, save, and get the fuck out of this town, get a start, get a job, and bada bing... go back to school! (Y'all thought I was going to live happily ever after... shame shame... not saying I won't, but I'm not done after I get out of this shit nest)

So.

#1. I need to find a more sane job that gives me time to study.
#2. I need to get laid off, or quit my current job.
#3. I need to kick ass at my new job, get promoted fast, and start saving.
#4. I need to open up a high interest savings account with the credit union I already have an account with.
#5. I need to pay off old debts early by making double payments on time, and doing more around the house to grease the palms of my adversaries.
#6. I also need to make sure I have buffer money, by avoid spending money on things I don't need (ie fast food, restaurants I can't afford, driving a lot, cut back and/or quit smoking) This could cause a delay in saving, but it will keep me from being paycheck to paycheck should anything come up because that is a shitty position to be in.
#7. Use the extra time to practice & study.
#8. Hello cash, car's payed off, insurance payed up for the time being, medical expenses payed, and peace niggas... outtie 5000.

That's ma plan and I'm stickin' to it.

<7

For the love of music?

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 06:21:19 GMT

In the words of Peter Griffin, "holy crap"...

...I haven't written in my Live Journal(R) for some time.

Well, rather than bringing my 'non-readers' up to speed on what's been going on in my life, I thought I'd take the time instead to reflect on my new pianoness. I have a new piano teacher, scratch that... I have two piano teachers now. One is a graduate from the Rimsky-Korsakov school of music in Sank Peterburg. (Yes, I did transliterate that correctly. Спасибо.) She is definitely from the Russian school of piano playing, and quite amazing, yet is going to be my biggest challenge yet.

In more recent history the Russians have been the worlds greatest pianists. No, I'm not trying to be an asshole or racist, but am merely stating a fact. Russia cranks out some of the world's greatest musicians. And because I'm being taught by one, it seems as though I'm not going to have any free time. Which honestly, is fine with me. My love of the piano has been rekindled by the likes of so many I've heard recently, especially Ms. Uehara. Listening to Bill Evans speak from his soul, or tender moments of Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto No. 2 can make the little hairs on my arms stand straight up and get goosebumps.

Sigh. I want to be an amazing musician, not famous, not even locally famous... I just want to play for myself, enjoy my music... Ok ok... I'll admit it. I would love to perform for other people, but I'm much too hard on myself for that. I think sometimes I'm so hard on myself to the point of where I stop myself from growing as a musician. I look for the quick fix method as oppose to realizing that even the greats put in hours upon hours of practice time.

It's a funny thing, I always think of the musician archetype as a genius (then again, what most people consider "musicians", I don't...) with what appear to be godlike powers, and an ability to feel something no normal person can feel. In many ways this is true, but in many ways it is a craft that is mastered, like whittling. Yes, in one sentence I was so bold to as compared music to whittling. Yes, it is much more complicated than that, I realize that. Which is why people should not take too much of what I say at face value...

Music is a strange enigma still, a strange mysterious, but beautiful enigma. An enigma wrapped in a pretty bow, but there's more than meets the ear with music. The theory behind music is long and complex to the point where one would wonder how music gets written in the first place. Another side of music is the heart, which by far is the most important part. People often times forget that good music tells a feeling or an emotion, often times that can't quite be put into words. Which is not to confuse the genre of 'emo' with being music.

Oy vey, I have to go to bed. I have work tomorrow, and I have to practice after that.

I am in love with piano again!!!

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 23:02:26 GMT

Amazing. I'm in love with this chick!

Of Bach and Ecstasy

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 05:02:45 GMT

I think I've been going through one of my transitional phases again, I have just simply started letting go of so many things that I used to hide behind. One of those things would be my past.

For some reason I'm not sure if I'm either going to die tragically at a young age, or if I'm going to live until my 80s, having achieved much.

I watched a YouTube video on Glenn Gould's visit to Russia, and was in awe and a little saddened. I have potential unknown musically, yet I still feel that I will never be the musician I want. Watching him play, realizing that kind of psychotic genius is something unachievable. That kind of musicianship truly, in my humble opinion, is the voice of god. A kind of passion your average person cannot even feel. A kind of mental torture that one would normally find unbearable.

Lets face it, I am no genius, as much as I want to be... I am me. But for some reason I can feel this soul beating inside me that does have that stroke of genius. When I put my hands to the keys before even pressing a note, I know exactly how something ought to sound. I went through a long phase of composing in my head when I was young. I had enormous potential, I am saddened that I didn't decided to pursue music on my own until I reached an age that was far too old to pursue a career in music. Music is either something you start young, or don't start at all... with a few exceptions.

I'm just hoping, praying that I will be one of those exceptions. I don't care if I make a career in music, I just want that virtuoso strength to play for myself underneath the stars...

It is one thing to hear music, but it is entirely another thing to actually make music. To press the keys, to enjoy the sound coming out, only to realize that, that is your sound. That sound that speaks directly from your heart and touches the heart of those who listen.

Hmm, I've been listening to Bach and Billie Holiday.

I loves me music!

Ugh...

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 03:34:45 GMT

Why am I so horny lately?!

Tears Dry on Their Own

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 02:34:36 GMT

I think I'm in love with Amy Winehouse... :D

...and I have rekindled my love of weed.

...Started playing piano again... Hanon helps so many things!

...Recaptured my love of Bach...

...Stunned by the beauty of piano again...

...being slummed over to customer service because there are no more hire spots in tech support.

...who knows what's next?

They tried to make my go to rehab...
I said, "no... no... no..."

<7777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777

My friend Darrin is a Mormon, and I am happy for him! :D
I am not too liberal minded that I can't see past the end of my nose, if someone truly finds happiness in things like religion, who am I to criticize? What is important in this life is hope... Anything that gives someone hope is a wonderful thing. :D

Could you be loved?
<7

After splat...

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 23:36:36 GMT

A cacophony of the here, now, what will be, what is, and what we want has more or less been the theme over the last couple weeks. I forgot to mention 'was' in the previous sentence, but 'was' is on my mind all too often.

So what really becomes of the one who finds out what they are meant to be both in spirit and possibly in profession?

What if we really do achieve what we want to achieve?

I'm still stuck in that transition of trying to figure things out, in retrospect, I think in this journey of life that this cross roads is coming to me at a very young age in respect to my peers, who will probably reach this point around oh say 40...

I know that the loss of my father which will happen in the coming years, but not too far into the distant future will be very much a turning point again, but this time I feel as though I'm almost becoming prepared for it. Truthfully though, nothing really can prepare me nor anyone else for that kind of life change, but if I have hope before it happens that will in turn give me hope after it happens.

Hope is a funny thing, it is really all that we are. Think about it, all that we're made of all that we dream of can all be summed up into hope. It is filled with love it is filled with an embodiment of the self, and at some point in our lives that hope gets us through many a trying period.

After hating myself, thinking that I could never love again on top of that and feeling worthless and unattractive on top of that, I'm still bringing back hope. I cannot say what tomorrow yields with any certainty, but I can certainly look at tomorrow without fear.

I think I've finally stopped sexually abusing myself, and raping myself of self-esteem simply for the fact I don't run around sticking my dick in a different person every night. I don't have a yearn to anymore, which is not to say I don't enjoy slutty experiences, I just simply do not allow a lack of sex to say something about who I am as a person.

I finally realized at one point that I don't really have to have someone in front of me to support me every time I'm down. I have a very close and dear friend, and right now I don't really care to go through several hoops to keep friends or to make new ones. At some point I stopped apologizing for being myself, and it's allowed me not to lend myself to the abuse of my own paranoia.

I have a life in my head that I want to turn into a reality, it includes how I want to look, how I want to live, where I want to live, the only thing it's missing is what I want to do. I'm torn, not torn from the possibilities more or less scared that some of my dreams I feel I am too old to pursue anymore, but then hope keeps slapping me on the ass and tells me to keep going. Do what you will with that visual...

For so long I've wanted someone for all the wrong reasons, to be my shield against life if you will. To obsess over, and be lost without... what a bunch of shit. I believe in powerful love, but if you can't embrace life for both the good and the bad without someone, then you've got problems. I don't want to be a serial dater... in fact, for the first time in my life since I was 5 or so... I don't want to date anyone. I want to find myself, see what I am actually made of before even thinking about wanting someone else.

Much of this may sound bitter, but I assure you it isn't.
Much of this may sound a little solipsistic, but I assure you that you're just an insecure asshole.

I have a dream...
...free at last... free at last... good god almighty we are free at last.

And now I believe I'm going to go eat some Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges...
Mmm mmm... bitches.

Living Out Loud

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 23:37:27 GMT

Holly Hunter on Ecstasy in a crowded lesbian dance floor can make me cast fate to the wind, and do something incredibly remarkable...

Look in the mirror and smile at the face looking back at me, embrace it for who it is...me.

Not some sort of counseling miracle, just a realization, I am not a slut, and never was meant to be. If sex is suppose to be my breaking point then it just isn't important to me anymore. I wanted sex for all the wrong reasons, not even for lust...

...for validation. For me to feel good about myself, for me to feel hot or at least think that I feel hot just by fucking some guy or letting some guy fuck me.

That is not beauty dear friends...

And it made me realize something, what if we actually do accomplish the things we want in this life time. To live our dreams?

And instead of trying to answer my questions, I decided to just show you this and let you form your own...

...and maybe try and answer some of your own.

Of mediocrity and cockstarvation...

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 21:35:25 GMT

So today was the Pride parade in SF, and who did not stick around for the parade? Me.

I have realized two things in this lifetime, if you want to party, don't go with "stay at home and drink"-ers...

The other is that I am either socially retarded or very unattractive... or maybe both?

Last night was the "Pink Party", which looked like fun, and when evening for the most part just started... I was pulled aside by my friends, who wanted to go back to the house we were staying at and drink. After shooting them an, "are you fucking serious?!" look... I coincided with my counterparts in the sense that I don't want to infringe my agenda on the group. There was fucking booze on the streets very readily available!

I was so fucking pissed I couldn't even see straight... my hopes of drunken debauchery crushed in one short lived evening. Yes we had been on the street all day going through shops, but that wasn't really Pride... that was window shopping. I can do all the window shopping my little heart desires within 30 miles of my home town...

We discussed Dyke March, but we didn't do that either...

I figured I'd start out with the bitching and follow up with the crushing of what little self-esteem I had left. A sullen boy cast in confusion in what is debauchery... Apparently I'll never figure it out. I must be extremely non-approachable. The only people who approached me were black guys, which I thought was weird. Not that I don't mind black guys, but some of them were old enough to be my father, and the one that didn't look to old looked like a butt-slut, and though I want to be a slut, I just did not want to pursue that one. Eye candy galore, which made me sit even farer within my proverbial protective shield of insecurity. So what does it take to be in the extremely clicky gay crowd? A lisp and Dolce & Gabana clothing? I like not having a speech impediment, and I don't like spending hundreds of dollars on a few garments I don't think even look that good.

To me in my eternal poverty, Urban Outfitters is too expensive much less some name brand shit I'd be too afraid to wear.

Yes, the gay crowd is accepting, I'm just not your typical faggot. Yes, I have heinously gay moments, however I am me. I'm not a fag, I am myself. It seems as though sex is the only thing in this life that I can't grasp. I'll be able to achieve anything else, but for some reason I feel as though I'm being punished for wanting to party, and go screw random people.

Everyone else at pride hooked up or already was with someone. Me? Nah. And by everyone, I mean thousands upon thousands of people. Thousands of people, and I couldn't. So what's wrong with me?

I don't care if this is self-pity, god damn it, I'm entitled to feel shitty about myself.

Perhaps that fucker was right, only attractive people get to have sex.

Epiphany? Может быть... не знаю но уже знаю. Сан франсиско слесам не верит...

My time of the month?

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 02:37:28 GMT

Well minus the obvious PMSing I do on a regular basis, my time is coming on the end of this month! And that would be gay pride in San Francisco!

I'm so excited! I need sex... Although, I have this tremendous fear that if I go to SF pride I'm not going to get any, and that'll just do wonders for my self esteem, considering it's the gayest fucking town in the US sans West Hollywood...

Oh please please please please please please!!!

I want to have lots and lots of sex that weekend!

I have some oats to sow!

PLEASE!

Дорогой богу! Прошу! Прошу! Давай мне многа секс!!!

Okay. Fingers, toes, and ass crossed.

Much love,
-Sterling

The Ghost of Corporate Future

Mon, 21 May 2007 00:15:59 GMT

So last Friday I drove up Highway 1 and visited the Monterey Institute of International Studies.

It's rare for me to want to go to a school for anything other than partying, but that's what I found with the Monterey Institute. It definitely calls out to my inner linguist, and I can't wait until the day I will be ready to apply there.

I think I all to eagerly people please to get the things I want, which the result in that is that I rarely get what I want.

In a long discussion outside of Teazer with David and one of his friends on of those obvious things in life became very apparent. The individual is the one who behaves as an individual. Who does not shy away from themselves, and stays away from the chameleon archetype. I suppose some sort of social conformity is inevitable, but it strikes true with me and the people I like to associate myself with. I like the independent thinkers, the ones who aren't concerned with the observation of others or even themselves.

The ones who can enjoy the now without letting their lives be overshadowed with the past or the future.

They shine so bright, I yearn to be one of them, but trying to be one of them in itself is casting away my individuality.

So where on this plain do I fit in? Who knows.

I like it though.

My life is the island of misfits.

And I never want it to change.

Well... certain aspects of freedom I'd like to see improvement, but my integrity, I never want to change.

Takin' my freedom...

Sun, 06 May 2007 18:21:00 GMT

Business is business, and that is all I'm going to say.

I truly have decided not to get involved with anyone from work.

Work. Home. No in between.

No regrets.

No apologizing.

Watch me shine.

As god as my witness, I will never go hungry again.

Loose lips sink ships.

-Sterling

Oy vey.

Wed, 02 May 2007 21:54:14 GMT

I need to quit my job.
The end.
Searching for a new.

Oy vey...
Fuck this shit.

I just, frankly, do not like my job... in fact, I hate it.
The people do make it somewhat worthwhile, but I'm too irritated.
So anyway, thusly I'm searching for new work.

PS. I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled badly, yet I don't have the funds to do so.
C'est la vie.

Peace love and hair grease,
-Sterling

Like a fart in the wind...

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 21:43:22 GMT

You know what's nice about having a car?

I don't have to be anywhere... well work, but anywhere else... don't have to be there and be square.

I have found I have the unique ability to get involved in people's lives, and not give a shit. But I attract bullshit... knee deep in it at work. Sometimes I think I'm just going to keep my mouth shut, and not talk to anyone other than the caller, but I get bored... and I'm a talkative person.

The more public I am, the more I have a social life, the alienation comes right back at me. I read a book that said Aquarians do not know how to read people socially. That would be me...

I honestly can never tell if a person genuinely likes me, even if they say so many many times. More or less because I know what it's like to tell someone they're your best friend, when you're really just giving them the brush off.

I'm not mad at anyone, not even mad at myself. I'm at a point to where life is somewhat routine, and because I'm not chasing after my ex anymore subconsciously trying to win his approval... I almost don't know what to think anymore.

I have such a double standard with people, I love for people to listen to me complain, but I hate listening to other people whine.

Maybe I am just mean that way, but frankly that's just how I roll.

I'm not happy, I'm not sad... I'm not mad. I just keep feeling like I have to be somewhere. Even if I'm completely on my own, I love it.

I am the eternal gypsy, catch me if you can...

Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming almost a little to independent for myself. The boys I meet either bore me or annoy me. I don't mind being single, yet sometimes I miss intimacy, not sex, but intimacy. But at the same time I never want to be the needy person I was before, so I find it hard to even consider trying to have another boyfriend again. I like the idea of having someone, but I also like the idea of being able to lead my own life without that sort of thing being a conflict.

Besides, to me the best part of any relationship is that cute honeymoon phase, where you're intoxicated with love and infatuation, stumbling over cynicism with lust and that crazy gleam in one's eye when you want to pounce on your current "love".

Either cynicism has gotten the best of me, or I have done too much growing up in a short amount of time. At one point I will over come.

"...I just remember what we used to do."

<7

No more drugs!

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 19:33:28 GMT

Ugh, I'm never doing E with a small group of people again...

...I make bad decisions.

The end.

Fuck, I was still high yesterday, if you couldn't already tell.

Love love,
-Sterling.

PS.
No I'm not dating anyone, and certainly am not going to date Adrian. Lovely how drugs make me do stupid shit. Ugh... And no I didn't do anything with him. I'd just like to forget this weekend.

I need a vacation.

No more drugs!!!

Rolling.

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 19:44:59 GMT

Of your disgrace, mi amore, I beseech thee to sever the constraints into crimson pools of freedom. It is a freedom we breathe, it is a freedom we cannot touch. In a quirky vicissitude of life that freedom is all we have.

Take your yuppies, your attitudes... take them to the black land of misguidedness. Where over analytical pricks rule with a personal lack of analysis. Contradiction it is not, but an abundance of misguided ignorance. Redundant that phrase? Yes.

So here is where I stand, I'm horribly attracted to someone I actually do not find physically attractive; it intrigues me. Generally I'm pretty much a twinky seeker, but not in this case... a fat computer programmer with a personality far beyond those plastic beings.

For fear of personal image, I'm wondering if I should avoid this one. But at the same time I don't want to.

Ugh. We'll see where this goes... if he ever talks to me again. :-/

I'm comin' out!

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 02:06:41 GMT

Well...not that I'm not already out, but I'm having a barbecue with my religious side of my mother's family tomorrow, and they think I'm going through a phase.

Time to set the record straight baby, and in this case, time to set the record as being a giant screaming faggot!

I have no apologies for who I am, nor will I ever. I am me. I like me. Don't like it? Don't care.

Livin' ma life like it's golden baby!

You know there comes a point in your life where you have to fight, to fight not giving that inch of being. You can surrender everything else, but that part cannot be broken. They can beat you, they can hurt you, but they cannot take it away from you.

And after watching 300, I will die before I let someone take that inch away from me.

Can I get an amen my brothas and sistas of the cock?

Le sex?

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 21:50:02 GMT

So I've been having sex again... and when I say sex again because it's been all to long. I actually just mean two people since last Saturday and the Thursday a week before last Thursday. And it's happening again... not emotion, but just this strong strong craving for sex.

My question is... I want to hook up with guy number two again... will it happen?

Not to mention guy number two was my first time ever getting fucked by a big dick... I must say at first it was pretty difficult, but that it was very very very nice...

Although my legs have been like sore for two days... holy shit.

I guess I'm not so ugly after all because when I'm around gay people I miraculously have this thing called sex. And I enjoy it... with no shame, no inhibitions... lordy I can't wait to get my pants off and either be inside someone or have someone be inside of me.

It's almost liberating. I think people put way to much thought into sex. Probably why straight people do not hook up and near the rate of gay men. I think by being gay... I don't so much question having sex. I more or less question when's the next time I'm going to have sex...

A 3pm afternoon hook up ain't bad... ;)
Neither is a 3:30am hook up on my way to work... ;)

I need to hang out in SLO more...

It's amazing, I'm like actually getting out of my house these days...

Boys boys boys... That is exactly how I roll.

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 23:24:26 GMT

Not saying that Zodiac signs aren't giant generalizations, but speaking as an Aquarius mine seems to fit the bill with me... Forever changing my mind, re-evaluating, balancing information with emotion, and looking fabulously ditzy while doing it.

I change my mind on a dime, as well as emotionally. When I do feel something though it's always very very strong. Probably much more than the average person, because it seems no matter who I'm with... at some point I distance myself from those people.

Probably wishful thinking, but I truly do believe I have started the next chapter of my life. Still on the battle front with demons both far and near. I'm never quite emotionally distant enough from what goes on inside my head...

This fatigue is crashing my writing because I am exhausted all of a sudden... I need a nap... oy vey.

And it's late too...oh well.